Tom Brady will eat your children

Look out Chiefs fans ... the Patriots leading man is a killing machine. (He'll also steal your girlfriend and knock-up your sister. Dude is evil.)

Boldly predicting, prognosticating and pontificating on all things football

What was it that wise sage Hank Williams Jr. once said?

Are you ready for some football?

Hell yeah. I'm dead-ass serious about some football.

It felt good last night, didn't it? Getting all amped up listening to an old man blabber on and on without making a single salient point worth repeating in a non-mocking voice.

Yeah, I like having John Madden back in my life too.

[ Quick Blogging Note: All season long, we're gonna talk football on Fridays and Mondays in this blog. I'm not going to bore you with introductions or my credentials. I'm going to spare you the chest-bumping egotism rampant amongst most sports bloggers. Though I did make a good point or two in my Fantasy Football Guide. ]

Here are The Things You Should Know About This Weekend.

:: Unless you have DirectTV, you're going to be awfully bored if you live in Kansas City. Thanks to arcane television rules, Kansas Citians don't have a lot of football to watch on Sunday. If you check out the always-reliable NFL Distribution Maps, it appears KC gets one game: Pats vs. Chiefs at noon. Yuck. UPDATE: Actually, Fox will show the Dallas/Cleveland aerial assault at 3 p.m.

:: Bold prediction No. 1: The Pats are gonna crush the Chiefs in that game. Imagine you're Tom Brady. You might be the best quarterback ever. Three rings. Most TDs tossed in a year. Hot girlfriend. An ex that's hotter than most guys can imagine and you dumped her when she got preggers. Guys want to be just like you. Girls would kill a moose like they were Sarah Palin just to be with you.

It just isn't fair then that the stupid New York Football Giants had to go win the Super Bowl. Your Super Bowl. That fourth ring should be on your finger.

How would you respond in your first game after that?

You'd go Mike Tyson on the poor Chiefs cornerbacks. (If I'm Brandon Flowers, I keep my helmet on. Especially if he's like me and likes his ears in tact.)

Now, imagine you're Bill Belicheck. You're a winning coach. You came within a ridiculous catch of running the table on the NFL and having a perfect season. People fear you. Other teams want to be you. You're also a dick of world-class proportions.

How do you show the world that you won't get fooled again?

Simple. Win. Win big

If you don't think the Patriots will hang half a century on the Chiefs, I've got a wonderful investment in Nigeria I'd like to tell you about.

:: Three guys that I'd start on my fantasy team if I were you: Steelers WR Santonio Holmes, Jets WR Jerricho Cotchery and Broncos QB Jay Cutler.

:: Three guys that I wouldn't waste a roster spot on if I were you: Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell, Seahawks RB Julius Jones and Panthers QB Jake Delhomme.

:: Bold prediction No. 2: The Texans will give the Steelers a close game. I'm a Steelers fan. Die-hard. And I want nothing more than this to be an absolute slaughter. But, I've got this nagging suspicion that the Texans aren't awful anymore. Nothing scares me more than the Texans proving their new-found-not-awfulness against my Steelers.

:: Game that I would absolutely put money on if that kinda thing were legal in my state of residence (with the Vegas line in parenthesis): Tampa Bay (-3) at New Orleans. Tampa is better than people are giving them credit for and should beat a New Orleans that I'm not exactly sold on.

:: Other bets that I'd make: Seattle (-1) beating Buffalo outright; Cleveland (-5 ½) squeaking under the spread against the Cowpokes; Jets (+3) covering the spread in Miami; the Vikes (-2 ½) dominating the Packers; and Jax (+3) covering the Titans by a comfortable margin — let's say 8.

:: Game that I wouldn't bet on even if I had Mark Cuban's money: San Diego (+9) vs. Carolina. Vegas is daring you with this line. While San Diego will win this game, Carolina has a stout defense that should keep this game close. But the Panther's don't have WR Steve Smith. But San Diego can't sell out their home opener. Just ... stay away from this one.

Enjoy the weekend. Be back Monday morning with the debut of "The Morning After" — a 10-step guide to everything and anything you may have missed on Sunday.